Z TrainIt's every real American's favorite time of year: the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.
After Kobayashi's 6-year reign several years ago, Americans have taken the Jeweled Crown of Obesity back in massive fashion through the unstoppable eating powerhouse that is Joey Chestnut. Only porn stars can get anywhere close to Chestnut with the amount of wieners he's put down. For 8 years, The King's reign of carnivorous terror was as much loved as it was feared. Challenger after challenger was utterly destroyed as Chestnut consistently consumed an average of over one hot dog with buns (HDB in the Professional Eating world, not joking) a minute for an hour every year. Enter 2015. A true challenger finally appears in the beautiful final form of the mulleted Megatoad, Matt Stonie. Perhaps the most patriotic person from that liberal, godless hole of snowflakity that is California, Stonie rose like a bald eagle first discovering its wings. Virtually unknown to any non-fan of Professional Eating, aka the entire world, Stonie stunned the champ. The unstoppable force met the immovable object, with 62 motherfucking hot dogs in an hour. Chestnut, the embodiment and manifestation of mind over matter, came back stronger than ever in 2016. He ate a world record 73 1/2 hot dogs in the qualifying rounds, and followed it up with a 70 HDB performance in the competition to take back his belt. SEVENTY. As you all know, it's 2017. History is in the past and glory is on the line. Stonie is setting his odds at +275 (per the Ringer's awesome podcast) and thinks the line of 67.5 HDB is surefire to be broken. I can't think of anything more patriotic than gambling on an obscure event from your recliner on a day that you're avoiding work. As long as you're drinking a red white and blue Bud Heavy (fuck that Light bullshit) and/or wearing a bandana, you should have it in the bag. Have I ever tuned into a contest? Yes. Once when I was like 12. I was so sick that I had to turn it off. Does that make me unAmerican? Maybe, and that's a truth I'm willing to stomach, just like these great men are willing to stomach an absurd amount of swine intestines. But I still respect these sick sons (and daughters) of bitches who get out there and defend our nation's consumption integrity, or lack thereof, every July 4th, and that right there is exactly part of the freedom we should be celebrating, folks. Like Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo, the greatness, rivalry and legacies of these two athletes is unparalleled and historic, and we need to just enjoy this incredible time for our country for the shooting star that it is. Very clearly the most important rubber match in the last few months. Throw up a prayer for these two superheroes' July 5th shits and set off some motherfucking fireworks. God Bless America.
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Z TrainThe age-old question that we've all been dying to know. If you haven't checked out this Reddit thread, you should. So. Who the fuck do I want to punch in the face? Let's rank them with athletes that would absolutely murder me if I punched them in the face. A man can dream. NFL: Eli Manning This is almost so cliche that it's too easy. But that's not going to stop me. Just look at his fucking face. LOOK AT HIS FUCKING FACE. You can't tell me it doesn't drive you insane that this motherfucker is the only one to beat Brady, and he did it TWICE. Also, it birthed maybe the one truly hilarious meme I've ever seen. NBA: Kevin Durant Throwing all of the bullshit about joining the greatest team of all time aside, KD still has a punchable ass face. His awful goatee looks like he wanted to be a wizard, but then dropped out halfway through. If you scanned this face on 2K, it wouldn't even register as a real face, just some kind of baby cow. Am I still mad that he ruined my July 4th last year? Yes. But just look at that face. NHL: Phil Kessel First things first, I've never seen a more passable Zach Galifianakis doppelganger. On top of that, how does this goofy fuck play professional hockey, let alone win the fucking Stanley Cup. Shout out to this guy. I thought my dumb looking face was the reason my professional sports career never took off. Guess I need to find another excuse. Dear Lord. He looks like every weird looking bully from any 90's teen movie you can think of. CFB: Baker Mayfield Baker is just one greasy dude. He looks like he could fill up one of those grease trucks you see outside of restaurants in boujee liberal cities. He looks like he has an annoying high-pitched laugh that you can absolutely picture/hate. Can't wait for another season of him "almost" winning something and inevitably winning nothing. Golf: John Daly This is not true. I don't want to punch John Daly. I just fucking love John Daly and can and will put him in any blog I can, especially this picture. I'd knock the fuck out of Phil Mickelson though. Lord have mercy. Look at those dead, crazy eyes. He looks like a weird ass fish in an animated movie. So there it is. The power rankings of punchable faces in sports. Coming from a guy with an obscenely punchable face, I think it's a "takes one to know one" type of thing.
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